A better place

Sorry for the huge gap in writing.. I have A LOT I want to say but I've been busy with school and fun and you know how that goes.

'Why are you just standing there? Why are you acting stuck up? Why aren't you talking? Why aren't you dancing? Why are you wearing white shoes today? Do you really not like me?' These are all just a sample of questions I've been asked recently and boy how much I enjoy being constantly analyzed. I think this all started when I was four years old and made it on the front page of the Houston Chronicle. I was at the Austin County fair parade in my hot and styling Osh Kosh with a cowboy hat wearing an American Flag. Naturally I was cheesin' like no other and there were probably millions of people looking at my picture at the time thinking... hmm why is that little kid smiling so big while horses are pooping on the road in front of him or why can't my kid be as cool as that? Either way it's been a downward spiral ever since.

But Ryan don't you do the same thing with people - see there you go with your damn questions again. Actually I don't have to really. I know pretty much what's going on at all times and really I probably have been observing your actions for the past hour or so without you even knowing it so I know what has lead up to your inevitable collapse or happy-go-lucky good mood. If I don't understand what's going on with you then you are probably mentally insane therefore I won't hang out with you anymore (you'd be surprised how many people fit this bill). If you are sad I will do what I can to snap you out of it, if you are pissed off I'll steer clear & the same goes if you are tired but then again if you are tired you take your ass to bed b/c it usually goes tired > drunk > sad > depressed (and you know it does because it happens to you everytime).

Sometimes I wonder if people expect me to act like a robot and show the same emotions all the time and give the same response to every question. I went to the rec yesterday and when the girl card-swiper asked me how my day was going I said "pretty shitty actually" and she looked at me like I just broke some sort of preprogrammed human response code. To prove my point she goes '"oh well thats good, have a nice workout!" I completely caught her off guard and on top of that she said that line with about the fakest smile I've seen since John Kerry after his Igotmyasshandedtomeintheelection speech. My answer didn't affect her life so why should she care....? I didn't expect her to open up her Psyc 107 book and ask me to go have a smoothie and sit on the couch for some quality 1 on 1 therapy time but a simple 'oh hey well i hope it gets better for ya' would have been awesome.

This brings me back around to the truth behind people asking me all those questions.. all of those questions revolve around how I'm reacting TO THEM, how I'm affecting them or the situation they are in. Maybe I'm not dancing because I want to take a break, maybe I'm not talking to you online because I'm pretty damn busy and when I click online about 230493904 people msg me, maybe I'm not gonna hang around you all night because I get bored with people after awhile - whatever it is it's my own business and mine alone. If something affects you I'll tell ya, if I'm pissed off at you I'll avoid you or fight you, it's REALLY easy people - I always try to be as honest as possible.

Let's take a look at the history behind this. As Americans we all sat around wondering 'man why is Mr. Hitler burning babies in furnaces.. he must have had a bad day.' Once we came to the realization that he had no way of effecting us we just continued going about our business. He kept doing these minor things like trying to conquer the world and we were still constantly asking these questions only brushing our shoulders off when we realized he wasn't raping our own children. But like that cigarette spark that quickly grows into a forest fire - you're going to feel the heat somewhere down the line without direct confrontation or hardcore fight - think about it...

I went out by myself last Thursday - that's right I just went somewhere and didn't know anyone that was going to be there. It was one of my funnest nights in college. I met some cool people, hung out with them and had a great time and what's great is that I will never see them again. There was no drama, no preconceived notions about anyone so no stupid questions or analyzing eyes, just good times. At the end of the night I ended up meeting with lots of familiar faces and it was all in all a perfect night. People also wonder about my going out habits so I'll explain those the best I can. I don't like hanging out with the same people over and over again - I mean I love my friends but I really don't want to see most of you everyday. I like a good variety in both the things I do and the people I hang out with. I also am going to do whatever the hell I want whenever I want - no planning, no promises. I won't invite myself over anywhere most of the time & rarely will I invite anyone else with me b/c people get angry when I don't ask them. I will ALWAYS drive myself because I like to be in control of things (unless I'm wasted ha). I think that just about covers all the misconceptions there.

All I ask is for everyone to take care of your own shit first before you start worrying about everyone else. When you see a friend in need keep it real and honest, take care of the situation, and move on. If everyone did this we would all be much better off.

I apologize for the semi-whiny post but I'm hoping this will make my life & everyone elses around me much better. I have less than 2 months until I graduate and it's going to be a hell of a ride. This is already my best semester ever and I'm hoping for much better times along the way.